IT

three arms, two heads, four eyes and a trunk

pink and blue hair spiked up like a punk

it sniffles and growls and grunts now and then

it hasn't quite mastered the language of men

it hops on 3 legs, and stumbles around

the earth trembles beneath when each foot hits the ground

where is it going, nobody knows

where does it come from, or did it just grow

I was told a story, many years past

About this creature being the very last

Great hunters and warriors had killed all the rest

But one had evaded, he was surely the best

He ran, he ate horses for he could not ride

He ran and he ran, tried so very hard to hide

At last he reached a land where such creatures as It

could rest and relax, crochet or just knit

Dangerous

He met this sexy aussie Jess
He really wanted to undress
They met about a year ago
The day he returned from the snow
They all got fucked she lost her phone
An error to which she is prone.
And so their love was never meant
To be and even when they went
To the ministry of sound
Their fate was sealed ‘twas nowhere bound
As once again numbers exchanged
And phone was lost again, again!
Then finally one wintry night
As his last chance was right in sight
Young smurf boy grabbed her by the waist
She laughed, he smiled, then sucked her face
Finally they got together
Just before he left forever...

I saw God today...

   
Prologue:  Part of this story believe it or not, is in fact true and happened to me one fine day in Bristol City two summers ago.


 I saw God today...Not the all powerful omnipotent white robed smother, bathed in white light. The humble unassuming old fella in sandals and hawaiin shirt played by James Garner. You know, the one with that look of smug self satisfaction plastered all over his hairy face. Nice bloke really.
     I stopped him as he passed me, not often you get chance to chat with the Alpha & Omega, The Man Himself. So I ask him a question, The Question. After a polite 'howd'ya do' of course. Im not rude...
     "So what's it all about Alpha?", says I.
     "You don't already know?", asks He.
     "I don't" says I.
     "You do" says He, "In here and here" he says quizzically, pointing first to his furry furrowed brow, the to       his moobs.
     "So..." says I, trying to coax from him, something a little more...Zen.
     "So..." says He, the difficult bastard.
     "It's all about mono-brows and nipples?" asks I.
     "Close", says He, his gaze sliding from mine across my shoulder into the distance. He points.
     "More visual aids?" ask I as I turn to follow his crinkled old finger, in the hope of actual nipples of the more stimulating sort. I complete my swivel and my gaze follows his...

     I awaken...no that's wrong. When you wake you feel sleepy, a little confused. It's a groggy process as your body begins to boot up, diagnostics are run, checks are made and slowly but surely you reach 100%, smooth running. This was not at all like that.
     My eyes snapped open, as if at the end of a rather long blink, though I could have sworn they were already open. No internal diagnostics needed, I know I'm fine. Now, I shit you not, what I see before me is un-fucking-believable...A golden Unicorn, standing proud 200 feet above the ground with a rainbow of the most vivid colours shining right out of its arse and streaking across the most beautifully blue sky I have ever witnessed. My lips purse, my eyes bulge, my cheeks puff and I burst at the seams with uncontrollable laughter. He chuckles and a look of humble pride appears across his ageless face.
     "That is indeed what it's all about" says He.

Conehead

       The Clock struck Ten and the screams began. At precisely Ten Minutes past the screams dies away and those of another began. 

Johnathon James Edwards was born at Ten past Ten in the morning of the Tenth  of October in the year Two Thousand and Ten.He weighed precisely Ten pounds and Ten ounces, hence the unholy, other worldly screams from his mother minutes before his first breath.

      "Jesus Diane", her husband whispered softly as he gazed lovingly at his new baby boy. "I thought your bloody head was going to explode, the sight of you pushing the little bugger out!"

      "It wasn't my head I was worried about" she softly whispered back, never once taking her eyes from Johnathon. "I thought he was going to come out looking like Dan Ackroyd in Coneheads!"

love is all you need

Life with all its
Obstacles does
Very often
End without a meaning

Its interesting that
Sometimes

All you need in
Life is right there
Laid before

Your eyes
Obvious and
Undisguised

Not expected or
Even recognised at first
Everything else becomes nothting but
Distracting once discovered

the most important day of my life

Dressed in white with train in tow, 10’000 feet  the ground below,

I take the leap, I pull the chord, my water breaks the tension stored.

If matters weren’t severe enough, the strangler he then tries to stuff,

A concoction of drugs right down my gullet, moments before I catch a bullet.

The Queen is saved from mortal danger,from that dodgy looking stranger,

Although I’ve saved the universe, my journey ends inside a hearse.

Imprtant day 2.0 with extra olvies

Dressed in white with train in tow,the ground 10’000 feet below,
I take the leap, I pull the chord, my water breaks the tension stored.
If matters weren’t severe enough, the strangler he then tries to stuff,
A concoction of drugs right down my gullet, moments before I catch a bullet.
The Queen is saved from mortal danger,from that dodgy looking stranger,
To celebrate there's olives and cheese, I choke on one before I 'Freeze'.
Although I’ve saved the universe, my journey ends inside a hearse,
But most importantly (thats right), Bens excuse is now airtight

Badgers

Badgers Badgers everywhere 

Flying Badgers in the air

Badgers underneath my bed

The Badgers came, the people fled...

It began upon a Sunday morn

While farmers harvested their corn

The Church bells rang, the people flocked

Unaware their path was blocked

They turned a corner and up ahead

A Badger knaws the vicars head

"The end is nigh" the vicar cried

The Badgers swarmed, the vicar died

The people screaming as they ran

Each one carrying as much as they can

"Flee the village" an old man gasped

The children screamed and ran so fast

The Badgers turned with eyes of fury

But also with joy, satisfaction and glory

The village was empty, no one to be seen

Not a noise in the air, as if there'd never been